How do you do it all? You seem to have it all together? You have four kids, you amaze me. Sound familiar? If you said, “Yes” and you’re thinking to yourself “Oh God” they have no idea how crippled i am inside, then you’re in the right spot.
I realized after I wrote a couple of blog posts that I should probably introduce myself and really tell you the down and dirty as to why I’m doing this whole thing.
Yes, I wanted to provide the comical relief that we so badly need today to survive, give you the bougie deals that are out there, but I also want to empower other women to know that they too aren’t alone and that it’s okay to talk about the…shhh the “unspeakable” that we are ashamed to admit or share with others. No I’m talking about the top ranked adult toys for the bedroom, because this Catholic girl would never own any of those lol, we’ll save that for another post! I’m talking about that overwhelming sense of guilt, anxiety, anger, or sadness that overtakes us to the point where we can’t get out of our own way.
We’ve all been there at some point in our lives, but society has taught us as women that we have to pull it together, pretend everything is perfect, and put our big girl panties on and move on with our life. We always act as if everything is okay, when in fact we are crumbling inside. I’m here to tell you, that this isn’t normal- and if I could be the first to open the door to just one person and let them know they aren’t alone in these feelings then my goal of my entire blog has been accomplished.
After my first daughter, I struggled with postpartum depression and I had no idea to be honest. I thought that these feelings were the “baby blues” something that I had heard about and that every new mother experienced. I no longer was interested in the things I was once interested in. Instead I was fixated on perfectionism and protraying that to others that I got it together, especially my own mother. I wanted the perfect house, the perfect baby, the perfect dinners, I became obsessed with my own daughter. I was so fixated on being the best mother and perfecting that, that I lost myself and my relationship with ex-husband. I had lost myself. I was going back to school at the time for my Master’s and my type A personality just piled on more and more things. I could never say no to anyone, just took on more and more.
Soon after I graduated with Master’s we had tried to have another child through multiple fertility journey’s and IVF, and for those who have been through this it isn’t for the faint. We had a traumatic loss that ended in me having unexpected emergency surgery on New Year’s Eve. This was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
Soon after we conceived my daughter, and despite the hardships, I plowed through emotionally as would most, my marriage crumbled and ended, but what do we do as mothers? Pick our head up and pretend that life is perfect and repeat the saying “I’m fine, everything is fine.”
The girls and I packed up our things and moved in with my parents and I had to now create a new life for us. I found a place for us to live next to a lovely couple Matt and Matthew, we found our new norm. Again, I talked about this with no one, pretending I was good, but inside my heart was so broken, I was so sad, but I had to remain strong, because that’s what we’re taught as women. To remain strong show no emotion, for your girls they would say.
Fast forward to me meeting my husband, getting married, settling down, and I had just given birth to my third daughter. Life was so perfect right? Finally. My ex and I were on much better terms, he was living down the road, the kids could see him at any point morning, noon and night. Life was good. Three girls, great marriage, great job, new life, everything I ever wanted.
So, why didn’t I feel like this inside? I struggled to leave the house, riddled with anxiety, always worried that something was going to go wrong, nervous that the baby would cry, or I would be judged or looked at funny if she acted up. So I stayed home. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel sad, but I was definitely full of anxiety. I had no idea that this wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize that postpartum depression can also take the form of postpartum anxiety.
I soon got pregnant unexpectedly with my son, and as happy and surprised as I was, I had feelings of ambivalence, crazy as it sounds. I’m having a boy? What am I going to do with a boy, I have three girls im not going to know what to do with a boy. I had this image in my head, that all I was going to have were girls, just me and the girls. This feel is actually a very real feeling, it’s called gender disappointment, and although no one will ever admit it, there are many out there including grandparents that experience it! I grieved for a bit, and soon accepted that this was my new reality, but then was blindsided around 30 weeks my Dad had cancer.
This wasn't our first go around with this type of cancer, he had had Kidney Cancer when I was pregnant with my first, how ironic, and now with my last it had metastasized to his spine. I remember the day he called me and had said he was on his way to the hospital he had just gotten the results of his MRI, that his spine was broken where the tumor was and that he had cancer. My Dad is my world. My heart sank. What? No, this isn’t the way our story is supposed to go. The worst part, which you would think Lindsay Cancer is pretty bad, but it was during Covid and we weren’t allowed to be with him. So my mom literally dropped him off at the front lobby of the Emergency Room, and we didn’t see him for almost a month. Awful.
I spiraled. My anxiety took over. As you know I’m in the medical field, but very specialized, I work with babies, nothing to do with the spine or adults or Oncology. Overnight, I researched his type of cancer, what types of surgeries he would need, the credentials of his surgeon (basically what he ate, his favorite food, drink, everything about him), the nitty gritty of everything. I had become obsessed, so obsessed that this 30 week pregnant woman was now a self proclaim Neurosurgeon overnight. Not a good set up. We were one of the lucky ones, he barely made it, he saw the light, I knew he would, with all of my research I knew it was going to be touch and go, but he’s with us today still working at 80. My hero, but I may have some ptsd.
Little man was born a month early, shorty after my Dad was released from the hospital. Stress had nothing to do with that! lol. My postpartum period with him was the roughest out of the four. He cried, never slept, had trouble breastfeeding, and had undiagnosed allergies. My marriage had hit rock bottom, I had hit rock bottom, my anxiety was at an all time high, and I never felt more alone. Were these feelings normal? Was I the only one experiencing this?
When I went back to work I started to talk to other moms about how I was feeling, and I soon realized that I wasn’t the only one, but no one talked about it. Why I thought to myself? Why don’t we talk to one another about these feelings, normalize it, support one another, help one another, form a community women supporting women. We’re all in the same boat: trying to survive. Remember I said a couple posts back a good marriage counselor and therapist…yup this helped me and being honest and opening up and talking about it helped me. I found that I wasn’t the only one, there were so many people too trying to be perfect and struggling inside.
It took me a while to get to this point today to be able to sit down and write, but I wanted to reach other moms and show that I too am human, definitely not perfect, or Pinterest worthy, but can easily portray that image to others from the outside. I, like so many others have inner demons, that may sneak up from time to time, but then I look around and see my community and friends and know I’m not alone, and you aren’t either.
I encourage you to write. As silly as it sounds, sometimes writing is so cathartic. I also encourage you to dance-turn that music up and dance. Dance and sing with your kids, be silly. Get outside of your comfort zone, this was the hardest part for me, because I was so afraid of being judged, but then I realized that I really didn’t care or give a damn what others would think or say about me. If they were going to say something negative about what I was doing then honestly it wasn’t worth my time to give it a second thought. I have taught my kids, especially my older girls to be their own person and that is exactly what I’m doing.
So what have I done? Well the marriage is better then ever-I encourage you to date your spouse! I’ll definitely hit on that in another post. I am finishing up an additional license for my career, in hopes one day to open my own practice. I have started a Tik Tok career lol, haha…I hope you’re laughing because that’s what you should be doing is just laugh. I began investing in market affiliating with Amazon, although I have had zero sales, lol, again I hope you’re laughing, and I have three months to complete this task. Finally, I started my blog titled, “Bougie Budget Mama”. This blog is an outlet, it’s fun for me and I hope you find it as fun as I do.
So to bring it all together, let’s empower one another, support each other, when we see that someone is struggling share a story because at one point in our life we’ve all been there. If you haven’t, then share with us your secret! Otherwise, I’m here to keep it real so thank you for reading! That’s what this is, a journey of transparency so you can see you aren’t alone and I’m there next to you supporting you to be your best Bougie Self! Muah!
If you are thinking about harming yourself or attempting suicide, tell someone who can help right away
Call 911 for emergency services.
Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
Call or text 988 to connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline . The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat . Para ayuda en español, llame al 988.
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